


things we lost in the fire

by honeyspeaches



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, hahahaha i hate me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-14 22:45:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5761780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyspeaches/pseuds/honeyspeaches
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sirius and marlene had always been together, except not really, and they never would be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	things we lost in the fire

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote this like 2 years ago and am just now bringing it over from ffnet, and didn't bother rereading it, so i'm pretty sure there's a fair few typos. 
> 
>  
> 
> all that we've amassed
> 
> sits before us shattered into ash
> 
> //
> 
> i was the match and you were the rock
> 
> maybe we started this fire
> 
> \- bastille, 'things we lost in the fire'

**things we lost in the fire**

* * *

****

_i. things we'll never see again_   


* * *

__

The Divination room seemed stuffier than usual, but that could just be the not insignificant amount of firewhiskey burning through his veins. He wasn't drunk- over the years he'd grown quite a tolerance for the stuff- but he was mildly tipsy, and he was glad he wouldn't have to try and stand for the next half hour or so.

There were two reasons Sirius Black had continued past his OWL's with Divination.

The first was that it was possibly the easiest class he'd ever bothered to attend. All he had to do was sit in a comfy armchair and stare at palms for an hour straight. As long as he remembered to predict something that was at least probable every now and then, he was set. Plus, he got free tea.

Truthfully, however, an easy O- or at least an E- was mostly just his excuse. His main reason, though he certainly wouldn't admit it, was that a tall blonde with laughing eyes had practically begged him to join her, and who was he to refuse? "C'mon, Black," she'd pleaded. "I need a friend. You're not going to leave me at the mercy of a bunch of senseless Slytherins, are you? Here, I'll give you the last of my cigs. Please?" He'd sighed dramatically and taken the cigarettes, but he would've happily done as she'd asked without them.

Beside him, Marlene McKinnon was stretched out lazily in her own armchair. Whenever their crackpot professor said something particularly crackpot-y she knocked her knee against Sirius' and scrunched her nose, giving him a wicked grin. "See, Black?" she said smugly. "I told you this would be a _brilliant_ class."

Sirius shook his head, his overgrown hair falling across his face. "I hate you, McKinnon," he murmured in response, but he didn't. Of course he didn't- how could anyone hate Marlene Mckinnon? Marlene, with the perverted mind and the adorable little gap between her front teeth. He couldn't hate her even if he wanted to.

"You do not," she disagreed, swatting him lightly with her hand. They weren't looking at each other but he could hear the smile in her voice. "You love me. You tried to ask me out once, remember, back in fifth year?"

"Fuck off," he said, louder than he'd intended. "That was two years ago. I was thinking you might actually grow into your looks. Clearly, I dodged a bullet"

Professor Livingston broke off mid-sentence and glared at them. "Miss McKinnon, Mr Black, is there anything you'd like to share with the class?" She raised an eyebrow at them and the look in her eyes told them they'd better not have anything to share.

Marlene shook her head at the same time Sirius nodded. "Actually, Professor, yes," he said solemnly. "I really think you should have a look at McKinnon's tealeaves- doesn't it look like they're trying to say something? Like she might be dying in the next few minutes? Oh, sir, you'd better have a look!"

The class erupted into laughter. Even the Slytherin behind them, who muttered something about _hoping_ Marlene would die soon, couldn't help a small snort of amusement. Professor Livingston sent them another warning look before going back to whatever it was she was talking about when they'd distracted her.

Fifteen minutes before class ended, a terrified looking first or second year burst into the room. He was clutching a letter in one hand. "P-professor Dumbledore told m-me to bring this to Marlene McKinnon," he explained, stumbling nervously over his words. "Who's Marlene McKinnon?"

"I am!" Sirius cried in a falsetto, holding his hand out. "I bet that's from my hunky and amazing boyfriend telling me how much he loves me!"

Marlene elbowed him. "Shove off, Black." She rolled her eyes, gesturing for the kid to bring her the letter. "It's from my mum," she murmured, examining the handwriting as she unrolled the parchment.

As Professor Livingston went on with the lesson, Sirius glanced at his blonde companion. Her lips formed a tight line as she scanned the page, and her eyes weren't laughing anymore. "Hey, turn that frown upside down."

Marlene gave no reply. She dropped the parchment onto the circular table they were sharing and, wordlessly, left the room. She didn't even bother grabbing her things as she went. The class' confused expressions followed her.

"McKinnon!" Sirius shouted and made to follow her _physically_ , but the professor told him to shut up and sit down and maybe without his friend he would pay a little more attention. Resigned, he fell back into his seat and reached out to grab the letter.

The Slytherin behind him got there first and held the sheet of parchment out of Sirius' reach. "Wonder what's got that little blood traitor's panties in a twist?" he taunted, glancing up at the neat, cursive words written by Marlene's mother. After a moment, he grinned. "Oh, no. How tragic. It seems the death eaters got to poor McKinnon's brother. _What a fucking shame._ "

A low, strangled sound escaped Sirius' throat. He launched himself over the back of his seat and punched the Slytherin in the face before Professor Livingston even noticed. "Black!" she barked. "What have I told you about violence? Detention, tonight, and- _no, Black, get your butt back in that seat!"_

Sirius was already out of the room.

***

He found her alone in the Gryffindor common room. She was lying on the carpeted floor, legs crossed, and with one of his cigarettes held tightly between her pink lips. Smoke billowed around her.

"Are you even allowed to be smoking in here?" Sirius asked curiously, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. "Seems like a bit of a health risk." Like he was one to talk.

The corner of Marlene's mouth turned upward but it wasn't a smile and it definitely wasn't pleasant. It was an expression caught between an ironic and bitter smirk and a full-blown grimace. "Probably not," she admitted. She gestured around the room. "But who's going to stop me? You, Black?"

"'Course not," he said. "I'm not much of a rule-abiding man myself, as you well know."

Both he and she were silent for a few minutes. After taking a deep breath, Sirius dared to speak again. "You wanna talk about it?"

Marlene propped herself up against an armchair and shook her head. She waved Sirius over to her and he, of course, obliged, and was sitting by her instantly. Offering him the cigarette, she stretched her legs out across his lap.

"Matty gave me my first cigarette," she said finally. It was an eternity since she'd last spoken and her voice was croaky and dead. "I was fifteen and Mum was- hell, I don't know, overseas somewhere- and she'd left me with Matty at his shitty one bedroom apartment and I ended up spending all the money she'd given me on the cheapest cigarettes I could get my hands on. That summer _sucked_." She wasn't crying- Marlene McKinnon didn't cry, not ever- but she was sniffling, and a few tears had gathered in the corners of her eyes. "Fuck."

Sirius took a drag of the cigarette. He was fairly certain the firewhisky had drained from his system and he was now entirely sober, because he wasn't warm anymore. He wasn't warm at all. Matty McKinnon had been an acquaintance of his- Matty was a few years older so they hadn't been close or anything, but they'd known each other, and Marlene talked about him all the time- and he'd always thought him a fairly decent bloke, if Sirius was in any position to judge decency. "I punched Mulciber," he offered weakly. "I know that won't help but…"

As he trailed off, Marlene snorted. "Did you break his nose?"

"Is your hair blonde?"

Sighing, she pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around herself. She accepted the cigarette when he handed it back to her and watched as their shared poison travelled up, up and away, filling the room with a glorious haze. "These are hard times," she said shakily. "This- this _Voldemort_ guy, he's for real, isn't he?"

***

When their time at Hogwarts came to an end, they went to Albus Dumbledore, together, and told him they wanted to fight. Dumbledore told them he'd assumed that was a given, and so Sirius Black and Marlene McKinnon became the fist official members of the Order of the Phoenix. Together.

* * *

_ii. loneliness came and you were away_   


* * *

At only twenty years of age, Marlene McKinnon had seen more horror than most people would see in a lifetime. Her older brother had been murdered by elitist fanatics, her little sister was afraid to leave the house in fear of the same fate, and she herself was fighting on the frontlines to, well, to save the world, in a nutshell.

The apartment was cold and empty. She wasn't exactly sure why she'd insisted on moving into her _dead brother's house_ but no one had questioned her- at least not openly. Lily and James had helped her move all her belongings into the tiny hole of a home, and even Sirius Black had apparated onto her doorstep with a housewarming gift, albeit a few weeks late. Despite the messy floor and decidedly Marlene vibe, it still didn't feel like home.

Marlene's owl, aptly named Odd, started to make a strange shrieking sound and when Marlene looked up from her desk to see what the fuss was about, she saw a tawny owl about to come barrelling straight into the glass. She quickly wrenched open the window and the owl tumbled through and landed on her unmade bed.

"What the hell?" she muttered. Both she and Odd looked at the unfamiliar owl with distaste. It would be from someone in the Order, but it wasn't one she'd written to before. She untied the parchment from its ankle. She read aloud, murmuring fragments of sentences to herself. "Death eaters invading Ministry… Minister frantic…" Having unsubscribed to the Daily Prophet, she got most of her information from Lily and James, other Order members, and from what she saw with her own eyes. " _Sirius, the rebel, got caught trying to sneak into his old house and duelled with Bellatrix and Narcissa. He's fine but unfortunately they are too._ "

Dropping the letter, Marlene quickly went back to her desk. Unsure of what she was going to say, she started the letter she needed to compose with 'I hate you, you fucking idiot.' She scribbled it out. What was she supposed to say? He _was_ an idiot, clearly, but she couldn't exactly write that. And she didn't _really_ hate him- just his stupidity.

It was then, sitting in an old wooden chair and staring into the hell of a world outside her window, that Marlene realised she was alone. Lily and James were hidden away in Godric's Hollow and though they wrote frequently, they couldn't actually see each other, and Mary had just left for her honeymoon- honestly, a _honeymoon_ when the world was falling apart- and Marlene was alone. While she'd heard plenty about Sirius, she hadn't heard _from_ him in almost a year, let alone seen him.

Marlene was alone. Even the bloody apartment was depressed about it.

Glancing over at the letter again, she frowned. It said down the bottom that it was from Dorcas Meadowes and the letter itself stated that Sirius and Dorcas had been talking to Dumbledore about how useful it would be to have a double agent infiltrating the death eaters. Brilliant. Sirius had even been talking to Dorcas Meadowes, yet Marlene- _one of his best fucking friends_ \- had still received no word.

Not much later, another owl arrived, this time small and snowy. The parchment attached to the owl's leg was only a few inches and read simply:

_Oi, McKinnon, got a couch for an old friend?_

She swore she recognised the handwriting from a lifetime ago, but she simply couldn't place it. Shrugging, she crumpled it up and tossed it into the bin.

***

Marlene supposed she shouldn't have been surprised when an obnoxious banging on the door woke her sometime between one and five in the morning. She rolled over and tried to ignore the sound but quickly came to the conclusion that it was too bloody loud.

Rubbing sleep from her eyes and with nothing but an oversized shirt clinging to her thin frame, she shuffled through the apartment. When she undid the locks and yanked open the door, she thought she must still be asleep.

" _Sirius_?" she cried loudly, thankful for the silencing charms she'd placed around the apartment. "Sirius, what are you-"

Marlene didn't get a chance to finish her question before Sirius Black flung himself at her, his weight causing her to stumble back.

Squirming in his grasp, she wrapped her arms around his neck, and for some reason such a simple action seemed horribly awkward, but she didn't care, because he was here, and she was here, and they were together, sort of.

Somehow, she didn't feel quite so alone anymore.

"Merlin, Mckinnon," he murmured from where his head was buried in the crook of her neck, his breath warm on her skin. "I can feel your bones. Have you eaten _anything_ since I last saw you?" His grip on her tightened, his hands digging into her hips.

It was a few minutes before Marlene found both the physical and emotional strength to pull herself away from him, tripping back and grabbing the wall to keep herself from falling. She had to pause to catch her breath for a moment- he'd knocked it all out of her- before she could speak. "What the _fuck_ are you doing here?"

Sirius frowned. "I owled ahead…" he trailed off, because even he had to know that was a shitty excuse. The realisation that she couldn't even tell his handwriting anymore hit her so hard she felt like dropping to the ground and sobbing right then. She didn't, obviously, because crying wasn't her thing. A small grin slithered across his features. "McKinnon, are you wearing one of my shirts?" he asked wryly.

Embarrassed, she glanced down her body to find she actually was; an old, holey Sex Pistols shirt. They were the only Muggle band he really listened to, and she could still remember introducing him to them back in seventh year. "You left it here," she said defensively, as if she had anything to be defensive over.

"Keep it," he said after a moment. "It looks good on you." He collapsed onto her ratty old couch, hands behind his head and the grin lingering on his face. "So, McKinnon, have I missed anything good?"

Marlene didn't know what to say. She could tell him that Mary was pissed beyond belief that he'd missed her and Reg's wedding, or that everyone was catastrophically angry with him for having so little contact with any of them- except for James, of course, because nothing could stop _those two_ from communicating about twenty times a day- or she could call him an arsehole and say what she'd needed him to know for months; she missed him.

Marlene McKinnon had missed Sirius Black more than she'd thought would be possible and even now, looking straight at his stupid smile and his stupid hair and his stupid _everything_ , she still missed him. How could she not miss him when, after all, he'd insisted on being such a massive part of her life?

"I almost dyed my hair pink," was what she finally settled on, sitting down next to him and crossing her legs under her body self consciously. "But I wanted a professional opinion so I went to an actual hairdresser, who told me I'm too pale for anything other than shades of carrot and mouse. She even claimed I should change to one of those because my natural colour makes me look washed out."

Sirius laughed. "What a bitch," he said. "I think you'd look positively _ravishing_ with pink hair." He pulled his wand out of his pocket and muttered a simple spell and when Marlene caught a strand of hair in her hand, it was bright pink. "See? That woman didn't know what she was talking about. Ravishing."

Looking at the lock of hair, Marlene hated herself more than she ever had before. There was a war- an actual _war_ \- going on, practically on her front doorstep, and she was sitting on a couch talking about hair and both hating and loving the boy who had finally reappeared.

It was ridiculous of her, she knew, but she couldn't help it. Sirius made her a little ridiculous sometimes- or rather, most of the time.

"You're an idiot, Black," she told him and in retaliation, charmed his hair blue. He looked completely ridiculous, but at the same time, as irritatingly handsome as ever. She'd always hated how he always managed to look so good. It really wasn't fair on the female population. "I guess some things never change."

Marlene wasn't referring to him being an idiot when she said that. Well, she was, but only a little. Mostly what she meant was that _they_ hadn't changed. He'd blown into her apartment in the early hours of morning and somehow it felt exactly as it had when they'd been carefree teenagers, breaking curfew to feast in the kitchens and hiding together in the Room of Requirement when the world was too much for them.

Together. They were always together. That wouldn't change.

"Some things never change," he echoed, and if she was a mind reader, she'd know he was thinking very much along the same lines as she was. "But, hey, do we really want them to? It's a good life, McKinnon. At least, it's as good as it's going to get. I really don't think we should be wishing for more at this point."

"I'm not," she murmured absently- though that wasn't strictly true. She wished her brother was still alive and she wished Voldemort had never even existed, but when it came to Sirius, she didn't wish for anything else. He was exactly as she liked him, and they were exactly as she wanted them. Even though he'd been gone for so long and probably had no explanation whatsoever, she wouldn't change that.

Truthfully, she wasn't sure she could handle him on a daily basis- but she knew she'd find a way if she had to.

"You know," he began, "I would've been back sooner, but I had to make a few stops along the way. Dorcas Meadowes- you know Dorcas, right?- has been trying to get the idea of spies into Dumbledore's dead. It's a bloody brilliant idea, don't you think?" He glanced over at her, picking up a stray bottle of half empty firewhisky and taking a swig.

"Yeah…" she trailed off, taking a sip of the alcohol when he handed it to her. It seemed to burn more than usual. "Dorcas mentioned you in a letter. Are you two- are you guys… you know?"

Sirius choked on his second sip of firewhisky. "Me and Dorcas?" he asked, incredulous. " _Me and Dorcas_?" When she nodded, he burst into laughter. "Merlin, McKinnon, _no_! Have you even _met_ Meadowes? I mean, she's bloody brilliant, but she's scary as fuck."

"Oh."

Marlene sat with her head on Sirius' shoulder for a long while, uninclined to break the silence. When she felt her eyes beginning to droop once more, she tried desperately to cling to consciousness, because what if she woke up later and he was gone? She wasn't sure she could handle that. Clutching his shirt- the one he wore, not the one she never wanted to take off- she pulled herself up straighter and tried to find the words, which was hard since she still didn't know what she wanted to say. "I missed you," was her eloquent declaration but, really, when it came down to it, there was little else that needed to be said. " _So fucking much_."

"I know," he replied instantly, because he would know, he knew everything about her, every insignificant thing she didn't really _want_ people to know. "I know, Marly. I missed you, too. _So fucking much_."

Oh, god. He hadn't called her 'Marly' in years, since they were little kids flinging grass at each other in Herbology. Maybe it was the name that pushed her over the precipice, or maybe it was just that she needed to let out all that she'd been feeling. Maybe both.

Marlene stretched upward and pressed her lips fiercely against his.

It wasn't the first time she had kissed Sirius Black.

In third year there had been a quick touch of the lips during a game of spin the bottle, and she'd never admit that it was her first kiss, but she knew he knew. He'd teased her mercilessly about it all year, but when anyone asked him, he claimed Marlene McKinnon was a bloody fantastic kisser.

He'd tried to kiss her in fifth year, when asking her on a date to Hogsmeade, but she hadn't let him.

When Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup in sixth year she'd got completely wasted at the after party and had- loudly and drunkenly- declared her undying love for him which, thankfully, he'd ignored, but that hadn't stopped the two of them sloppily making out in a corner.

The last time they'd kissed, back in seventh year- not long before her brother had been killed- seemed centuries ago. She'd just found out her boyfriend had been cheating on her with a fifteen year old Hufflepuff, who looked shockingly like her but without a gap between her front teeth, and had somehow ended up in Sirius' bed, doing a lot more than kissing.

It had been too long.

Marlene shifted so she was completely in Sirius' lap, her hands travelling from his face to his shoulders down to his waist where she clasped their hands tightly together. Sirius broke one of his hands free and it explored her entire body; first holding her waist, keeping her close, before making its way higher and tangling in her hair. It dropped back down eventually, running along her thigh and pushing up her shirt until he was lazily playing with the edge of her underwear.

Sighing, she broke away. She studied his face for a moment. His lips were still parted and his hair was only a little messier than it had been when he'd arrived. His storm grey eyes were noticeably darker than usual. He was beautiful- always had been, really, and probably always would be- but she wasn't about to tell him that. "I missed you," she repeated.

Sirius pressed their foreheads together, gently cupping her face. "I love you, Marlene McKinnon," he told her, and those words were probably the truest he had ever spoken. "I've loved you for as long as I can remember."

Again, she sighed contentedly. She loved him too- how could there be any possible way in which she didn't?- but she knew she didn't need to say it. He already knew. Sirius _always_ knew, and she thought that just made her love him more, if that was possible.

Earlier she had thought that they were 'sort of' together. They were, physically, very close to one another, but she hadn't meant physical closeness. That's not what her subconscious had meant, anyway. Sirius Black was never _together_ with anyone- not even with her or with James. He came and went as he pleased, and try as they might, no one could really mind, because that's just Sirius; as a kid he couldn't sit still, and as a man he still hadn't learned to stay put.

It's okay, Marlene thought, that he'll probably be gone again in a few days. She didn't need him around to know that, somehow, they were together. They'd always been together, in the ways that counted. She couldn't think of a time when Sirius hadn't been hidden somewhere in the corners of her mind, and that's really all 'together' meant in times like these. As long as they were thinking of each other, they were together. That was all that mattered.

Marlene McKinnon and Sirius Black would always be together.

* * *

___iii. turned to dust all that i adored_   


* * *

Sirius Black wasn't the kind of young man you'd expect to see in an expensive jewellery shop in the heart of London, looking at engagement rings. His hair was too long and his boots were too dirty and his jeans had too many holes in him and the saleswoman was most likely thinking that it was a crime to women everywhere that a man so young and so wickedly handsome was planning on getting married. She was probably secretly hoping the lucky girl would turn him down- like that was possible, with his looks.

"What about that one?" Sirius asked, pointing at a ring with a small diamond surrounded by even smaller amethysts. It wasn't a massive rock that would cause people on the street to stop and stare at it, but it was big enough that people would notice and ask, which he knew was just how Marlene would like it.

The saleswoman went on a spiel about how beautiful it was, telling him how many carats it was, etc. He wasn't entirely sure what she was talking about but nonetheless, he left the shop a few minutes later with a considerably lighter wallet. He'd been quite prepared- the day before he'd even had Mary Macdonald explain Muggle money!

Once he'd apparated back to the tiny apartment Marlene hadn't had the heart to move out of, he unlocked it with the spare key she'd given him- there were charms preventing him apparating in directly- and wondered exactly what he was going to do now that he had the ring.

To others it might seem odd that Sirius was going to propose to a girl he wasn't even dating, but really, if they actually knew him they'd think it a rational notion. Already, he was viewing marrying Marlene McKinnon as the best decision he'd ever made, and he hadn't even asked her yet, much less had she accepted.

But she would accept. He knew that, without a doubt, she wouldn't turn him down. Not now. The Not Couple had been through years of messing around in Not Couple Land, and Sirius thought it was about time they get their shit together. It didn't even matter that the two hadn't even really been on a date, unless you counted firewhisky and shitty pizza eaten on her living room floor. He and she were meant to be _together_. They'd both known it for a long time, and it was time they ditch the title of Just Friends Who Occasionally/Every Other Week Make Out In Her Dirty Kitchen in favour of a much more socially acceptable title. Marriage. God. Who'd have thought Sirius Black would ever settle down with a girl, let alone marry one?

It was all very surreal.

The apartment was messier than it had been when he'd first seen it. It was now strewn with _both_ of their clothes and it had the distinct smell that only twenty-somethings who were scared of looking into the future.

He knew he had a while until Marlene would be back from visiting her mother and sisters, so he set about deciding what he was going to do. He couldn't make a show of it or she would make it impossible for the two of them to ever have children and also make a show of thinking about whether to accept or not when they both knew what she was going to say.

After a lot of- okay, very little- thought, Sirius came to the conclusion that he wasn't even going to propose to her. He'd just leave the ring somewhere he knew she'd find it and when she asked him, he'd be all cool and suave about it. "Oh, yeah, I forgot about that," he'd tell her. "Thought it'd be cool to get married. What do ya think, babe? Imagine the honeymoon." And she'd laugh and call him an arsehole but she'd kiss him anyway and demand the wedding be in a field of flowers because beaches are too corny and she'd feel bad having in a church when she's not even religious.

And then Sirius Black and Marlene McKinnon would be together, and they would live happily ever after. Together.

Sirius dropped the ring box on top of a stack of Marlene's Muggle books. A worn copy of The Great Gatsby stared up at him, and he pulled a face at it. Marlene had made him read it once, and all it had done was depress him- mostly because he saw the realism of it. People die and leave their loved ones behind in despair. Fuck, that shit was depressing. He had no idea why Marlene loved it so much.

When Sirius woke up the next morning, after having slept in a room that smelled exactly like Marlene, he wasn't worried that she hadn't come home; she hadn't seen her family in a while, and he knew that she would be safe.

When Sirius woke up the morning after that and she still wasn't home, he skipped worry altogether and ended up somewhere around frantic. She hadn't owled- _why hadn't she owled_?- and she'd told him she'd be back after a day. It had been two and no word. This wasn't like Marlene- she was irresponsible, but not like this. Not when they were in the middle of a war. She wouldn't just _not_ owl.

Sirius intended to apparate to the McKinnon family home, but what he saw when he arrived was nothing like he remembered it. Half of the house had crumbled to nothing but a pile of rubble and the other half was in the process of burning to the ground, flames licking the air and smoke filling the atmosphere. He didn't move.

From where he stood he could see the light brown hair of Marlene's younger twin sisters, Maya and Matilda. The wiry grey hair of their mother stood out against the green grass. All of their bodies were white as sheets.

The Dark Mark hovered in the air above Sirius, mocking him, mocking the Order, mocking everyone who dared defy Lord Voldemort- mocking those who had been killed.

"No," Sirius murmured.

The scene before him couldn't be real. The world had already lost Matty McKinnon, and that was too many. It couldn't stand to lose anymore. He squeezed his eyes shut, begging his heart to stop moving so quickly. He was worried it might explode inside his chest.

"No," he repeated.

Sirius was still for what seemed like an infinity before he managed to start stumbling through the rubble. It was ironic, he thought, that he'd asked his heart to slow down, because when he reached the backyard it stopped beating altogether.

The first thing he saw was the messy white blonde braid. Then he noticed the shirt- that _fucking_ Sex Pistols shirt she rarely took off- hanging loosely from her body. His old shirt on her cold body. No.

Getting to her was a feat in and of itself- she was far away, too far for him to reach, too far for them to be together. When he got there, he wished he hadn't.

Her eyes were frozen open. The irises he'd memorised and fallen in love with an eternity ago looked up at him. They weren't dancing with laughter anymore. Now they were just glassy and empty and dead.

Sirius couldn't breathe. There wasn't enough oxygen in the world to fix this. The only thing that could fix this was _her_ , and she sure as hell was in no position to do anything of the sort. He'd helped fix her so many times, and the one time he needed her to do the same for him, she couldn't. She was dead.

No.

Sirius ran. He wasn't sure where he was running or why he didn't just apparate there, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was her. She was everything, and now she was nothing, but to him, she was still everything. She would always be everything. She was the sea and the sky and the stars and the world, and she was nothing, but she was everything.

Sirius Black and Marlene McKinnon were not together. They never would be.

**Author's Note:**

> penny for your thoughts, friends?


End file.
